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feeling a feeling

The night before, he starts asking questions about when I’ll arrive. He keeps asking the question every hour until I do. When I do, he wants to secretly sneak a peak. He gets shy, hides behind walls and doors, and can’t control giving me more than a glance at a time. Almost always, I have to trick him into talking to me and physically bringing him closer. It’s a process that is gradual and patient. He wants me to catch him, he likes to come find me, and he says yes to everything I feed him.

“I love you Bui!”

When my 3 year old nephew looks at me and says these words, the world stops and all the troubles freeze for a few moments. For those 5 seconds, I become the center of his world, the cynosure of his eyes. I feel entangled in his web and attacked by unconditional love from every angle – love that doesn’t place conditions; love that springs out naturally; love that doesn’t calculate; love that flows freely.

The more I grow up, the more I wish to travel back in time and be a 3 year old. I want to love without boundaries, without dependencies, without expectations. I want to push back on this world that forces us to take up a calculator. I want to be loyal to feeling a feeling. I want to learn to love and I want my 3 year old nephew to become my teacher.



“Let no limit bind you.” – Ruhi Rastogi

ultimate cardio

10 mins elliptical, 10 mins swimming, 10 mins sauna. Just 10 mins at a time to conquer what I must conquer.

I will burn the restless calories and increase my heart rate. I must arrive at my fat burning zone; fat – something that body stores for desperate times, times that never make it in time, an illusion perhaps.

With every stroke, I will speed up and let the water chase me. Under the water, I will detoxify so when I pull out, I am lighter.

I will inhale the clever signs and I will exhale the helpless desires. I will let each pore open the door. I will let each breath let go a little more.


While you are reading this, just smile. You don’t have to reason, you don’t have to resist, you don’t have to like what you are reading – just smile, smile with your cheeks touching your eyes.

pseudo cirque de soleil

I don’t know how time has flown and changed from dreading for a quiz to listening to Pitbull at the Aria resort in Vegas along with the other 2300 victims. The Ingram ONE welcome reception is at the pool side and the pseudo cirque de soleil charismatics are hired to distract us from the less-than-lustrous business conversations revolving around SMB, cloud, and the future of electronic data storage. The ingrained beats are an opportunity to upgrade my iTunes list. The luminous lights are making me squint my eyes and enjoy the platter full of accomplishments. The gin with ginger ale is making it all very easy. The perks seem sweeter since I started from nothing and pulled myself up inch after inch. It wasn’t easy or handed to me – the path came with a heavy load of speed bumps & challenges – ridicule, blame, discouragement, jealousy, and haters. But I kept my eyes on the destination, ignored the ignorants, and accelerated with a smile.

I don’t know what else there is but I’m enjoying every single bit of what this is – vivere nel momente





stronger than your strongest


No matter how good your filtration system is, you’ll always find some who will discourage you, some who will push you down, and some who will break you. No matter how much you wrap yourself with the positives, some will find a way to inject negativity. At times like these, you will need to be stronger than your strongest and believe in yourself. They will push you to the ground but you will need to climb again, and again, and again.

They might not change and they might not surrender, but eventually they will disappear. But until then, you stand up and fight.

Don’t let them scare you, weaken you, devalue you – don’t let the negativity weigh you down.

Don’t let anybody break your spirit.

sugar in a liquid state

Sugarmelon is by far my favorite fruit here in Turkey. It could be it’s bright yellow color or the outburst of sugar in a liquid state but I have a strong feeling it’s something else. Every time I walk by a rainbow display of fruits, the flavor catches my attention and decelerates my feet. It’s a mixture of what the outside woody layer entices you towards and what the inside beholds. Any temperature in your mouth is the absolute melting point for a sugarmelon, a perfect invitation.


proper & meticulous

No matter how many lessons I learn, new problems keep floating up. I checked multiple times for all the necessary electronics I needed to carry. Camera, battery, charger, iPhone, charger, headphones – all check! No, no laptop this time. I would like to experience what it is to be as technology-independent as I securely can. Rejoicing with over-confidence, I ordered a thin-crust, easy on cheese margarita @ the LAX. I had hours to kill and so I carefully chose a spot with an electrical outlet. While appreciating the beauty of my personal pizza, inhaling the marriage of flavors, and expressing it with a subtle smile, I took out my iPhone, already fitted with the cable only to realize I forgot to bring the actual cuboid-shaped charger, damn! That moment marked an instant curve change for my smile from convex to concave. Our minds are so trained that the 4 appropriate letters came together into a word. Eventually, as we all do, I forgave myself within milliseconds and convinced myself that my parents have 2 chargers already so it’s just a matter of my arrival.


I finished the entire OK! magazine cover to cover and felt abreast on all critical world affairs. Miley still can’t get Liam to say yes, Taylor bought a little cat, and Kendra’s husband had an affair with a transsexual during her pregnancy. JLo broke up with Casper, Kimye had an extravagant birthday bash, and Angelina is ready for 2 more. I got so intensely involved in world news that when they announced the final boarding, I realized I was supposed to exchange dollars to lira. I repeated the same 4-letter word again! I guess I’ll do that at Heathrow or in Turkey.

Flight arrived late and despite of knowing how Heathrow is no better than a corn maze, I decided to stop and let go of some bodily fluids. As a payback, I had to use all of my crossfit stamina to climb up the escalators, and run with luggage at 7 mi/hr until I arrived at the gate. It was no less than a running 650 meters with a 20 pound wall-ball up the hill.

At last, I arrived at the Turkish empire. At the visa counter, a half-bald, pre-frustrated, and not the most beautiful of them all Turkish man said “You need to go back to India to visit an embassy to then get a visa for Turkey, so come back when you’ve done that.” Yup, the same 4-letter word! I smiled and gracefully asked for someone else who I could speak to. After another WOD and gazillion doubtful looks, I crossed the immigration. My passport expiring in Sep 2014 did not make the task any easier.

And so, after all these mistakes, a dead iPhone, a real scare, and 3 hours of wait @ the airport, I was able to catch the first bus to Taksim Square at 4:00am.

All these mistakes but I told myself this is one of those letting-go, stress-free, what’s the worst that could happen kinda trip, well hmmm! I was so close to not being able to enter Turkey but at least I brought my toothbrush!

By the way, this particular blog is dedicated to my friends who refer to me as proper and meticulous.

17 again

I feel 17 again. It’s already so cold here but it rained as well; the temperature dropped, the drizzles ballooned, the winds went racing, and my warm layers weren’t nearly warm enough. Instead of challenging my adrenaline and hiking up a fell, I modified my plans and stayed in; not at the cottage but inside a bus. No matter how severe the conditions but I could never waste a day sitting inside; I’d regret it too much. Now there are some special circumstances when staying in proves to be a bit better plan but nope, today was not that day.

I shivered while handing over the ticket to the driver and chose to sit towards the back where the seats are elevated and the view panoramic. The cheap plastic lid didn’t work and I had to hold the coffee upright at all times. For every sip I took, a sip leaked on my hand, my sweater, my scarf, and even my boots. The bus started from Keswick and went to Penrith, on to the Pooley Bridge, and towards the cows at Glenridding. I had an urge to inhale to the limit, squeeze my abs and step outside to stroll around but it was much too cold. The lake was a bluish color, not the usual blue you see on the postcards but a different one. A bit of silver, a bit of peacock, I’m unsure. I wanted to capture it permanently but it was much too cold. We then passed a little town called Ullswater, a place that I’d like to call home or at least my time share. The place is simply ‘unspoilt.’

We kept going and reached the farthest point, the point of a required return, Patterdale.

On my way back walking, I stopped at a little Cinderella store called ’17 again’ and bought a slice of the Victorian cake. Three layers of cake rolled in raspberry jam and happily separated by whipped cream. I had been eyeing on this for 2 nights and finally submerged. Then I realized – the anticipation was better.

Anyway, I never thought I could feel 17 again but I do; I’ve had a week-long crush on a certain someone, a crush with a tensile strength of steel. He looks at me with a look of desire, his hair falls over his forehead, his eyes squint wanting to tell me something, and his smile waits for mine. I only knew of his existence a week ago and he is almost fictional but I feel 17 again.